For the past few weeks, Bubba has been on temporary assignment to the Embassy in Tel Aviv, and I have been visiting him on the weekends. What a fantastic city…..a proper city, with walkable streets, numerous restaurants, walk signs on the corners…..I could go on and on. The best part of Tel Aviv, however, is that it is a beach town, and Bubba’s hotel was one block away from the sand and water!

Now, I understand that the European culture is much more free-thinking than American culture, but there are limits. At least Bubba and I think so. Here is a list of the best (or worst in our opinion) things we saw while hanging out on Israel’s beaches:

1. Naked babies - We don’t know what it is with naked babies. I can understand having a naked little baby, not wanting to waste a diaper or whatnot. But we saw 4 and 5 year old kids, running naked everywhere! Ok, there are bathing suits for that age, c’mon. There is no seemingly reasonable explanation as to why a 4 or 5 year old isn’t wearing a bathing suit. I remember going to Marshalls for the annual bathing suit buy when I was that age. It’s just gross.

2. Beach tennis - The Israelis play a game of beach “tennis” that they call Matkot. You use a wooden paddle and hit a squash ball back and forth. If you go out on the beach at any given time, the water line will be filled with players standing back to back in games of Matkot. You just can’t escape the “thok thok” sound as seasoned pros slam the ball at their opponents. You even see young boys learning the game and practicing their arm motions with their game-crazed fathers. But the worst part of  is that you can’t walk along the water down the beach without taking your life into your own hands. I didn’t actually see anyone get beaned by the fast-moving balls, but I was pretty sure if it was going to happen to anyone, it was going to happen to me.

3. Fat Guys in Loose Speedos - Again, showing off man parts on a family beach does not seem like our idea of a good time. So many men wore Speedos, which are understandably a European tradition. However, most men, especially those with more body to love, wore loose-fitting speedos, meaning any slight movement of the body also meant the visible movement of other things…….things that I don’t really want to see on wrinkly men with beer guts.

4. The Old Guy in a Thong - There was an older gentlemen entering the water before us. Bubba commented, “Oh, if that guy was younger, he would totally look like your dad.” Then we saw the thong. And for the rest of the time swimming, I could only think of the fact that he looked like Dad and was wearing a thong. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.

5. Guys Swimming in Underwear - Ok, don’t you know that if you wear cotton briefs into the water, they will become see-through and form-fitting? Even you, man with the old-man’s saggy butt? Double EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW.

6. Fat Ladies in Bikinis - I’m sorry, but if you are chunky, don’t wear a bikini. It’s nasty. I’m aware that I dont look good showing off my stomach, so you should be aware of that too. Please, they make bathing suits that flatter any body type. Why don’t you pick up one of those?

7. The Ice Cream Gaucho - There were many men dressed in ponchos and large sombreros carrying ice cream boxes on their shoulders and ringing bells. I understand the need for ice cream, I just don’t understand the need for ice cream from a guy with a giant sombrero. In Israel.

8. Dumb Homeless Men - Hey you, yeah you. Homeless man. You live in Israel! Begging to a Jewish guy and then asking him if he is German is really bad business practice. What’s even worse is telling him you like Germans because of their military prowess. C’mon, are you sure you really want the money? Because you just lost a customer.

Israel is a really fantastic country and Tel Aviv is a great city. But, I think the European influence may have rubbed off just a tad too much! Let’s hear it for more clothed women and bathing trunks for men in 2009!